Here’s a link to this week’s audio tip entitled “Trust Yourself .” Click on this link to hear this week’s message (make sure your sound is on or you plug in your head phones to your computer). Enjoy!

To download this audio as an MP3 file, right click here and select “Save Target As” to begin download.

With Appreciation,

Mike
www.Mike-Robbins.com

How well do you trust yourself, I mean really trust yourself?

For most of us, myself included, self-trust is tough. We have a tendency to second-guess ourselves, not listen to our gut, or hang onto negative memories from the past when we’ve made mistakes or “bad” decisions. These things and others make it difficult for us to trust ourselves and thus create challenges in our relationships, our work, and our lives.

Lack of self-trust, while debilitating in many ways, is quite common. There’s nothing “wrong” with us for not trusting ourselves…it isn’t something we’ve been specifically encouraged or trained to do. Like with appreciation, authenticity, or many other important aspects of our life and growth, the first step in our process of expansion is to notice and tell the truth about why it can be difficult. In the case of self-trust, once we’re able to honestly acknowledge our challenge with it (and have some compassion about it), we can start to consciously choose to trust ourselves in a more real way.

What makes it difficult or challenging for you to fully trust yourself? Take a moment to consider this. The more aware of this we can be, with empathy, the more likely we are to move beyond it and let go of our “story” about why we can’t trust ourselves.

Here are a few things you can do to enhance your ability to trust yourself:

1) Listen to your inner wisdom. We all have inner wisdom. Some of us refer to this as our intuition, others call it our gut, and still others relate to it as our high consciousness. Whether you call it one or all of these things (or something else), I believe that we’re all very intuitive and that we each have a deep sense of what is true and right for us in most situations. As we practice listening to this inner wisdom (through meditation, prayer, quiet time, breath, conscious thought, and more), we begin to trust ourselves on a deeper level.

2) Be willing to take risks, go for it, and make mistakes. So often we don’t try things because we think we might fail. I love Michael Jordan’s quote about this, he said, “I missed 100% of the shots I never took.” While it can be scary for us to take risks in life, one of the greatest ways we can build our capacity for self-trust is to go for it…even if we fail. As we build up our ability to take risks, we also grow our capacity for courage, which in turn expands our ability to trust ourselves.

3) Forgive yourself! This is a life-long process and is vital as it relates to self-trust. One of the main reasons we don’t trust ourselves is that we haven’t forgiven ourselves for mistakes we’ve made, pain we’ve caused, or regrets we have. These “demons” from our past haunt us and we use them as evidence to not go for things and not trust ourselves. As we enhance our capacity to forgive ourselves, we heal from the past and breathe new life into our experience. This creates a genuine sense of enthusiasm for both the present moment and for our future. And, as we’re able to forgive ourselves, we can let go of our attachment to being “perfect” and having to do everything just right…which then allows us to trust ourselves more freely.

Think of something important in your life right now – a decision you’ve been on the fence about because you’re worried about making the wrong choice (i.e. not trusting yourself). Given what we’ve been discussing here, if you fully trusted yourself in this moment, what would you do in regards to this important issue? I bet if you listen to your inner wisdom, allow yourself to take a risk, and know that you can forgive yourself no matter what happens – the answer to the question “what should I do?” in this situation is quite clear.

With Appreciation,

Mike
www.Mike-Robbins.com

So often we do things we think we’re “supposed to do, instead of doing things that really work for us. This week I decided to practice this by speaking this article (and recording it on audio), as opposed to writing it. While I do love to write, I love to speak even more.

Here’s a link to this week’s “audio article,” entitled “Do What Works For You.” Click on this link to hear this week’s message (make sure your sound is on or you plug in your head phones to your computer). Enjoy!

To download this audio as an MP3 file, right click here and select “Save Target As” to begin download.

With Appreciation,

Mike
www.Mike-Robbins.com

Do you like to be right? If you’re anything like me, I bet you do. I’ve spent much of my life being obsessed with “rightness;” having the “right” answer, doing the “right” thing, acting the “right” way, winning arguments to prove how “right” I am and more.

As I’ve learned and you’ve probably noticed as well, it’s not only impossible to be right all the time, it’s exhausting, stressful, and no fun (for us or others). The great saying, “you can either be right or happy, not both,” is so true!

On our journey of growth, fulfillment, and authenticity, one of the best things we can do when we notice ourselves focusing on being “right,” is to take a step back, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves, “what’s real?” When we look within, there’s always something much deeper going on when we want to be right. Maybe we’re feeling scared, passionate, angry, excited, helpless, joyful, embarrassed, or something else.

When we focus on being right we’re fixed in our thinking, we’re often self righteous in our approach (which is almost always annoying and ineffective), and we’re usually covering up our real emotions (because it’s easier and more comfortable for us to be right than to be real and vulnerable).

Take a moment to reflect on the important areas, aspects, and relationships in your life right now. Are there places where you know your overly focused on being right? If so, you’re not alone! With honesty and compassion, ask yourself the following questions:

• Why do I have the need to be right with this person or in this situation?
• What am I afraid will happen if I give up my righteous position?
• What is it that I really want from this person or in this situation?
• What are the underlying emotions that I have not been willing or able to express?
• What would it take for me to let go of being right with this person or in this situation?

Asking and answering these and other honest questions can lead us to deeper place of authenticity within ourselves and with the other people involved in the situations in our lives that may cause us stress, worry, or pain (i.e. the ones where we’re obsessed with being right).

We live in a culture that has trained us to be “right” at almost all costs. While I’m not advocating that we give up on our passions, beliefs, and values – I’m challenging us to tell the truth and get underneath our righteous opinions to a place of deep truth, realness, and vulnerability. From that place of authenticity we can have real power, freedom, and connection in our lives. If we stay focused on being right all the time, we’ll “win some and lose some” on the surface, but ultimately won’t have the kind of life, work, and relationships we truly desire.

How does this relate to you, your life, your relationships and more? Share your thoughts, action more here on my blog.

How do you feel about conflict? Many people I know and work with, including me, have lots of creative ways to avoid conflicts. I actually really appreciate conflict myself, although I often get scared at first to initiate or engage in conversations that may result in a conflict. Whether we’re comfortable with conflict or not, it’s a part of life, relationships, and work – and always will be.

When we look at conflict more deeply, we realize that it is a vital aspect of growth, change, and every important relationship in our life. The pain, suffering, and stress caused by conflict doesn’t usually come from the conflict itself, it comes from our avoidance or denial of it.

Most of us have not been trained to engage in conflict in a healthy, productive, and authentic way. This is what caused us to run away from it or when we do engage in it, we spend most of our time and energy on protecting ourselves from getting hurting, trying to “win,” or both.

The more we embrace being real, authentic, and speaking our truth, the more effectively we’re able to engage in and resolve conflict in an honest and successful way. Here are some important components of conflict resolution for us to remember and practice:

1) Take responsibility – It always “takes two to tango.” Taking responsibility is not about being at fault or blaming the other person, it’s about owning up to the situation and recognizing that we are a part of the issue.

2) Address the conflict directly – Conflicts are always handled most successfully when they’re dealt with directly and promptly. Be real and vulnerable when you approach someone with an issue, but make sure to do so as soon as possible, don’t let it fester.

3) Seek first to understand – As challenging as it can be, the best approach in any conflict situation is to listen with as much understanding, compassion, and empathy as possible – even and especially when we’re feeling angry or defensive. If we can understand where the other person is coming from, even if we don’t agree, we have a good chance of being able to work things out.

4) Use “I” statements – If someone does or says something and I have a specific reaction to it, that’s real. If I judge someone, make a generalization about them, or accuse them of something not only is it not “true” (it’s just my opinion) it will most likely trigger a defensive response from them. We must own our feedback as ours, not speak it like the “truth.”

5) Go for a win-win – The only real way to have a conflict resolves authentically is if it’s a true win-win for everyone involves. This doesn’t necessarily mean that each person gets his or her way. It does, however, mean that everyone gets heard, honored, and listened to. And, when and if possible – we make compromises that leave everyone empowered and in partnership.

6) Acknowledge others – Whether it’s a one-on-one conversation or a situation that involves lots of people, acknowledgment is essential to our ability to engage in productive conflict and to be able to resolve it in an authentic and effective way. Thank the other people involved in the conflict for being willing and able to engage. Thank them for their truth.

It takes courage for each of us to engage in conflict. When we acknowledge each other, operate with kindness and humility, and remember that vulnerability is the most important aspect of resolving conflicts effectively, we’re reminded that we’re all in this together.

There are really only two ways to deal with conflicts effectively – directly, all the way through, until they are resolved (not just we get our way) or to completely let them go (not talk about them, not think about them, etc.). We actually know how to do both of these things, although we often opt for a third option, which never works (trying unsuccessfully to address the conflict and then telling others about how right we are and wrong the other person or situation is.

Think of some of the biggest conflicts in your life right now. Are you ready to resolve them? If so, decide whether you’re willing to let them go or not. If not, make a commitment to yourself to engage in them using these steps above and do so in an honest, genuine, and vulnerable way. Don’t wait until it’s too late – have the conversation now.

Which conflicts in your life are you willing to let go of? Which ones are you willing to address directly? Share your thoughts, ideas, commitments, and more here on my blog.

Talking about authenticity is a heck of lot easier than actually being authentic, believe me – I know. For the past few years as I’ve been working on my new book and talking about authenticity in my workshops and keynotes, I’ve done a lot of talking about what it means to be real, authentic, and vulnerable in life. And, while I always do my best to model what I teach as I am teaching it, I know that it’s not the same thing to talk the talk, unless I truly walk the walk.

With this in mind, I want to recap the key principles of my book, Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken, which I’ve written about in each of the past seven newsletters and then challenge you (and me) to put these things into action in our real lives, today!

Part One: Why It Can Be Hard to Be Authentic

Being authentic and real can be challenging for most of us for a variety of reasons. There are both external and cultural factors (parents, teachers, family, school, religion, era, and more) that play into this, as well as personal reasons (fears, insecurities, perceived weaknesses, lack of practice or courage, wanting people to like us, etc.).

It’s important for us to acknowledge, tell the truth about, and take responsibility (with compassion) for these external and internal factors of our lives and personalities that make it difficult or scary for us to live in a way that is authentic. By confronting these things directly, owning them, and making peace with them, we’re able to move beyond what normally stops us from being who we truly are.

Part Two: The Five Principles of Authenticity

1) Know Yourself – A commitment to growth, self-discovery, and brutal honesty with yourself

2) Transform Your Fear – A willingness to admit, own, express, communicate, and take action in the face of your fear

3) Express Yourself – Fully and honestly expressing yourself and your emotions, all of them

4) Be Bold – Going for it, all the way – even if you’re scared

5) Celebrate Who You Are – Loving, appreciating, and celebrating yourself in a genuine and generous way

Part Three: Authenticity in Action

This is where the rubber meets the road. Of the many action ideas, practices, tips, suggestions, and techniques I outline in my new book and that I’ve shared my newsletters over the past seven weeks, which ones have spoken to or resonated with you most? You’ve probably put some of these ideas into action, which is great! And, there are probably other things – either that you don’t think you have time for (not true) or are not sure how to make happen (more honest) – that would make a difference in your life, your work, and your relationships.

Below I’ve listed three additional possible action ideas – taken right from my new book and my workshops. My challenge to you is to pick one (or more) of these and do them today…no waiting around or putting them off. And, if none of these actions resonate with you, use them as a catalyst to think of something of your own that would be a stretch and would challenge you to be more real and authentic in your life, right now!

- Do something that scares you. Pick something big or small to do today that will scare you. Ask someone for something, get up and speak in front of a group, make a phone call you’ve been putting off, take a risk, or do anything else that you know will take some real courage on your part.

- Make a list of current conflicts/issues that you have with other people: deal with them or let them go. There are only two ways to deal with a conflict effectively – directly until it is resolved or let it go completely. Once you’ve made your list – see if you can make a choice, one way or another (deal or let go), with each of these conflicts. With the ones you aren’t willing or able to let go of, stop avoiding this person and pick up the phone, send a note, or go and talk to them – directly, honestly, and vulnerably – and see if you can resolve this conflict once and for all.

- Write a bold mission and vision statement for your life. There are lots of different ways to do this, don’t get too hung up on the process – just do it. Your mission is about who you are and how you live on a daily basis. Your vision is about where you want to be and what you want your life to look and feel like in the future. Make them both clear and specific, paradoxically, don’t get too hung up on the details. And, when they’re done (not perfect) post them so you see them all the time and share them with others in your life.

Which of these (or other) authentic actions will you take today? Share your thoughts, ideas, actions, and more here on my blog.

How often do you truly celebrate who you are? Because many of us, myself included, spend so much time and energy focused on what we think is “wrong” with us, celebrating ourselves doesn’t often come that easy.

For me, I’ve spent much of my life – as a student, an athlete, in business, in relationships, and in general – demanding perfection of myself, and of course, falling short and feeling inadequate on a regular basis. Most people I know and work with have some version of “I’m not good enough” that runs their life. Even though many of us understand this, living our lives from a true place of self acceptance, self appreciation, and self love is often much easier said than done.

The ultimate goal of being ourselves in an authentic way is actually about loving ourselves in a generous way. If we truly love ourselves, most of what we worry about and even much of what we strive for in life becomes meaningless. We may still have some worries, and we’ll definitely continue to have goals, dreams, and desires. However, from a place of true self appreciation and self love, the fear behind our worries and the motivation for our goals dramatically changes from something we have to avoid or produce in order to be accepted and valued, to something we we’re genuinely concerned about or really want to accomplish.

On the flip side, if we don’t love ourselves, nothing much really matters. No matter what we conquer, create, or experience we’re never able to appreciate it, ourselves, or to be fulfilled in the process, because we’re constantly striving to be validated in an insatiable way.

Self love is what we’re all searching for. Sadly, we spend most of our lives thinking that someone or something else can give us what only we can give ourselves. To be truly fulfilled in life, we have to find that love within us and give it to ourselves. No other person, amount of money, material possession, or accomplishment can do it. It’s up to us. We have an opportunity to celebrate who we are for any reason and at any time.

Write a Love Letter To Yourself

This is a simple but powerful exercise I do in workshop and share in my new book, Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken. This process will allow you to take some time to celebrate who you are and to practice appreciating yourself!

Step 1 – Write a heartfelt letter of gratitude, appreciation, and love to yourself about yourself. Take some time, put some conscious and generous thoughts and feelings into it, and allow yourself to boldly express your love for yourself.

Step 2 – Put the letter in a sealed envelope with your name, address, and a stamp on it.

Step 3 – Give the letter to someone you trust and ask them to drop it in the mail to you at some point in the next year (without telling you when they do it).

It will show up in the perfect time and probably on a day you could really use some appreciation and acknowledgement. And, the best part is that the love and validation will come from you!

How can you celebrate yourself today? Share your thoughts, feelings, questions, and more here on my blog.

Do you consider yourself bold?  Some of us do, but most people I know and work with, myself included, admit that they don’t often think of themselves as a bold person.  Or, if we’ve done or said bold things in our lives, they seem to be few and far between…and they also seem to scare us half to death.  Hence, we often don’t find ourselves being bold in life – or not nearly as much as we’d like.

Being bold, while scary and challenging for many of us, is essential if we’re going to live an authentic life.  Boldness is about stepping up and stepping out onto our “edge” in life – pushing the limits of what we think is possible or appropriate.  It’s about living, speaking, and acting in ways that are both courageous and true to who we really are.

Because we’re all unique, our individual versions of boldness will look quite different.  Something that might be “bold” for me, may not be so for you – or vice versa.  Being bold has to do with us getting in touch with our deepest truths, passions, and desires in life and then having the courage to live and act “out loud” in a way that is congruent with this.

Here are five key reminders of what it takes to be bold in life:

1)  Be True to Yourself – Tell and live your truth with courage, vulnerability, and commitment.  We must also remain in a constant inquiry with ourselves about who we are and what’s important to us.  It’s okay and necessary in this process to admit when we’ve made a mistake, gone off course, or done something that’s out of integrity for with ourselves, as well as if we feel totally lost (which we will at times).  Being true to who we are is about being ruthlessly honest and forgiving with ourselves (and with others) in a way that is both fierce and compassionate.

2)  Live with Passion – Passion comes from within us, not from the external circumstances, events, activities, or people in our lives. Being bold is about going for it, not holding back, and giving ourselves fully to our work, our relationships, and our lives.  To do this we must generate authentic passion, which is both a powerful emotion as well as a state of being as well.

3)  Step Out – Challenge yourself to say and do things that are outside of your comfort zone and that scare you.  This will force you to “step out” in your life and step in to who you really are.  We often don’t think we’re “ready,” we sometimes don’t know exactly what we’re supposed to do, and we almost never have a guarantee that things will work out.  So what!  As Ray Bradbury famously said, “Jump, and build your wings on the way down.”

4)  Lean on Others – Support, inspiration, and accountability from other people are essential along our journey of boldness and authenticity.  We can’t do it all by ourselves and it’s imperative that we reach out to others who believe in us, will tell us the truth, and can help us when we get stuck.  Create a “dream team” of powerful and supportive people around you who you can share your hopes, dreams, and ideas with.  And, be willing to ask for and receive their support, contribution, and generosity.

5)  When You Fall Down, Get Back Up – It’s important to make peace with the fact that you will fall down, probably a lot, if you’re really going for it and playing big in life.  How we respond to falling down is what truly makes the difference in our lives.  When we make a commitment to ourselves to get back up, dust ourselves off, be real about how we feel and what happened, and not let it stop us from being who we are and going for what we want – we tap into what true power, boldness, and authenticity are all about!

How honest are you?  While most of us aren’t bald-faced liars who go around deceiving people consciously, if we’re honest with ourselves about it, we often don’t fully speak our truth or express all of our emotions.  We’ve been trained and have in turn trained ourselves to be “appropriate” and to say and do the “right” thing so we can get what we want and look as good as possible in most situations.

For me, being a “nice guy,” a “people pleaser,” and wanting others to be impressed with me often poses a challenge when what I want to say or express doesn’t seem to fit into the “likeable” category.  Most of the people I know and work with have some “story” about themselves they want others to believe and therefore only feel comfortable sharing thoughts, ideas, and feelings that match up with this story or the public “identity” that they put forth.

However, what if, even with whatever fear or resistance we each have – we were able to fully, passionately, and honestly express ourselves?

One way we can do this, which I talk about in Chapter Five of Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Principle 3 – Express Yourself), is to lower our “waterline.”  This idea is based on the metaphor of an iceberg, with just the tip of it popping up above the surface, and the rest of the iceberg (who we really are) down below the waterline.

The exercise that I share in the book and often do in my workshops, which I originally learned from my friends and mentors Rich and Yvonne Dutra-St. John, is called “if you really knew me.”  Each person in the group has a minute or two to complete the phrase, “if you really knew me, you’d know…” and then share some things about themselves in an honest, transparent, and vulnerable way.  It takes courage, safety, and trust to do this.  As I’ve seen time and time again, this exercise can have a profound impact on everyone involved.

Even though I’m feeling nervous as I write this and I worry that this is overly personal or possibly inappropriate for me to write in an “advice article” like this, I will share with you some things you’d know about me if we were sitting in a circle, doing this powerful exercise together.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I spend a lot of time and energy worrying about my physical appearance – obsessing about certain aspects of how I look (my hair, my skin, my eyes, my teeth, my weight, and more) and worrying that I don’t look good enough, that people can see me aging, losing my hair, and not taking care of myself – and that they’ll judge me or won’t like me because of it.

If you really, really knew me you’d know that I can’t seem to figure out how to stay on top of my life, my work, my finances, and all of my many personal and professional responsibilities in a way that feels balanced, workable, or peaceful.  Much of the time I feel like I am drowning, messing things up, and simply “pretending” to be happy and grateful.

If you really, really, really knew me you’d know that I believe my work, my message, and the gifts that I have are incredibly powerful, important, and meaningful.  I’m sometimes blown away by the impact I have on others.  I want to have an even deeper and bigger impact on people and the world, but my ego seems to think that I’m not doing enough, not being appreciated in the way I deserve, or that I better hurry up and “make it” before people really find out how full of it I am.

Wow…I can’t really believe I just shared all of that.  And, it feels both scary and liberating to have done so.  When we’re willing to own and express our truth, we can free ourselves from needless worry, hiding, and denial.  This allows us to be ourselves, live our lives with passion, and go for what we truly want in life.

Real authenticity is not some set of rules or a self-righteous definition about how people “should” be in life…it is the willingness and courage to be real, true, transparent, and vulnerable in the moment-by-moment, day-by-day experience of being in relationship with others and living this magical, mysterious, wonderful, crazy, exciting thing we call life.

Authenticity Challenge: What You Can Do

Think about some important things you have not been willing to say or some intense feelings you have not been willing to express recently.  Make a commitment to yourself, even if you’re feeling scared or uncomfortable about it, to express yourself honestly about these important things.  Write them down, call a friend of family member, or talk to someone you fully trust.  What would they know about you if they really knew how you were feeling right now?  Reach out in a bold, vulnerable, and honest way and see what happens when you express yourself like this.  It can be magical and one of the most liberating experiences in life!  Have fun…

Fear is something that we all experience throughout our lives, especially on our journey toward deeper authenticity.  Being who we really are, expressing ourselves honestly, being bold, and going for what we want in life can cause a great deal of fear in us.

I get scared all the time.  When I was younger I thought there was something really wrong with me because I would get so nervous – in sports, in school, in social settings, and more.  I now understand that everyone else experiences their own version of the same basic fears I have (being judged, making mistakes, looking bad, failing, disappointing others, and more).  It’s just part of being human.

Many of us run away or hide from our fears because they seem scary, uncomfortable, or embarrassing.  We also erroneously think we “shouldn’t” have them or that we are somehow “wrong” for feeling scared.  However, most things that mean a lot to us in life don’t show up without any fear at all.  And as we strive to live with authenticity, it’s inevitable that we’ll experience quite a bit of fear along the way.

The question isn’t whether or not we experience fear in our lives (because we all do and always will for as long as we live); the more important question for each of us to ask and answer is, how can I move through my fears in an honest way so they don’t stop me from being who I really am and going for what I truly want in life?

How to move through your fear in a positive way:

1)  Admit it – Acknowledge your fear, tell the truth about it, and be real.  When we feel scared and are willing to admit it with a sense of empathy and compassion for ourselves, it can often take the edge off and give us a little breathing room to begin with.

2)  Own it – Take responsibility for your fear and own it as yours, not anyone else’s.  We often have a tendency to blame others for doing or saying things that “scare us.”  However, when we remember that no one else can “make” us scared – only we have that power – we take back the responsibility and the power of the fear and remember that it exists within us, so we are the only ones who can change it.

3)  Feel it – Allow yourself to feel your fear, not just think about it or talk about it (something I often catch myself doing).  Feel it in your body and allow yourself to go into the emotion of it, even if it is scary or uncomfortable.  Like any emotion, when we feel our fear deeply and passionately, it has a way of dissipating.

4)  Express it – Let it out.  Speak, write, emote, move your body, yell, or do whatever you feel is necessary for you to do to express your fear.  Similar to feeling any emotion with intensity, when we express emotions with intensity and passion, they move right through us.  When we repress our emotions, they get stuck and can become debilitating and dangerous.

5)  Let it go – This one is often easier said than done – for me and many people I work with.  Letting go of our fear becomes much easier when we honestly admit, own, feel, and express it.  Letting go of our fear is a conscious and deliberate choice, not a reactionary form of denial.  Once you’ve allowed yourself the time to work through your fear, you can declare “I’m choosing to let go of my fear and use its energy in a positive way.”

6)  Visualize the positive outcomes you desire – Think about, speak out loud, write down, or even close your eyes and visualize how you want things to be and, more important, how you want to feel.  If your fear is focused on something specific like your work, a relationship, money, etc. – visualize it being how you want it to be and allow yourself to feel how to ultimately want to feel.

7)  Take action – Be willing to take bold and courageous actions, even if you’re still feeling nervous.  Your legs may shake, your voice might quiver, but that doesn’t have to stop you from saying what’s on your mind, taking a risk, making a request, trying something new, or being bold in a small or big way.  Doing this is what builds confidence and allow us to move through our fear.

Fear can and does stop us in life – from being ourselves, speaking our truth, and going for what we really want.  But, when we remember with compassion that there’s nothing wrong with us for getting scared and when we’re willing to lean into our fears with vulnerability and boldness – we can literally transform them into something that catapults our growth and fulfillment in life.