This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 19th, 2008 at 10:50 am and is filed under Appreciation. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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Sometimes we think that appreciation is all about being “nice.” That’s not the case. Appreciation, in my opinion, is about recognizing the value of someone or something and about being able to empower ourselves and others. It is, however, also about coming from a place of gratitude, respect, and truth in our relationships with the people around us. Giving people honest feedback can be one of the best ways to appreciate them and let them know we that we care about them. This, however, isn’t always easy.
First of all, to give someone honest feedback you must have a foundation of trust and appreciation in your relationship with them. It’s also important to ask their permission and make sure it’s okay with them before you launch into your feedback.
Often we wait until it’s too late or we don’t say something because we’re scared about how they might react. It’s easy to say nothing or to just “blow smoke.” However, it takes real courage to speak your truth to another person.
The key is your intention. If your intention is to make a difference for that person, “clear” something that might be in your way with them, or help them see something they may not be able to see – you’re coming from a place that can empower and ultimately support that person. If your intention is to be superior, to show them how wrong they are and how right you are, or some version of either of these two things – you’re coming from your ego and your “truth” will most likely push them away.
I’ve recently been confronted with a number of situations like this in my own life. I’ve handled some of them very poorly - either by not speaking up or doing so in a self-righteous or ineffective way. There have been a handful of situations, however, where I’ve had the courage to speak up and say what was on my mind and in doing so something wonderful happened. Regardless of how we go about this, in the end it’s almost always better for us to speak up than not. We learn more about ourselves, get closer to the other person, and grow in the process.
When someone speaks a “hard truth” to me, I know that have a tendency to push back and defend myself initially. Once that happens, however, I’m usually able to hear their feedback and learn from it. Most importantly, I always appreciate their willingness and courage to say something honest and potentially vulnerable to me.
Look at your relationships - especially the most important ones. Where are you not telling the truth, not giving feedback, or worried to say something honest? What would it take for you to be willing to tell them the truth? What are you afraid of? What would be possible in your relationship with them if you spoke up?
I challenge to you to pick a few important people in your life that you’ve been afraid to speak your truth to and just do it. Remember that speaking your truth (with appreciation, honesty, and kindness) is a great gift for the people in your life and is one of the best ways you can acknowledge them and strengthen your relationship.
How will you speak the truth with appreciation and honesty? Share your thoughts, click here.
With Appreciation,
Mike Robbins
www.Mike-Robbins.com
November 20th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Being able to tell the “truth” and not some watered down version is a good way to measure the level of trust in a relationship. If I have to fear stating my truth, I may need to examine the relationship to see why. Oh darn, I hate it when that happens.
Remmeber, if you always tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said.
Blessings
John
November 20th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Mike,
It’s important to speak the truth - but in a loving way. Sometimes people use “Well, it’s the truth!” as a way to defend being mean. And of course, the only result those people will get is defensiveness.
Such a great reminder to us all that you can be nice and honest too!
Adrianne Machina
November 20th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Awesome blog today! My family has been working on these skills under the guidance of coaches from The Williams Group. It is not easy! But it can lead to closer, more intimate relationships if people are open to learning how to communicate this way. You are so right when you say that it is important to ask permission first. Even if (or especially when) we are dealing with younger family members like teenagers, opening a difficult conversation by asking for permission first makes it more likely to take the conversation and the relationship in a positive direction. Also, focusing on what we care about during these conversations helps keep both sides open to learning more about the relationship and how things can be improved.
Throughout this process, we have been working on building trust in our relationships. There is risk in “telling the truth,” but, as you said, imagine “what would be possible in your relationship with them if you spoke up?”
My husband has worked these skills into coaching baseball players at our academy. Kids often need help in handling situations where coaches do not have good communication skills, yet the players need to speak up. Our greatest wish is that coaches would be open to learning these skills too!
November 20th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Hi Mike ! I had several people tell me how they were going to miss you as our motivational speaker this year at NorthWest in Santa Rosa. We down sized our annual meeting to local two hour meetings this year which made sense for us this year.
I don’t have a personal “truth” to speak to in a relationship however your article reminded me of something very powerfull that my 12 year old son is learning in his TaeKwando Leadership class that is similar to what you are saying.
The topic is Praise. The students are taught to give Praise to other students. However the Praise is to be S&R. Specific and Real. The example given in the last session was… Find something that is really going right and point it out, then help them transfer that same strength to a weak point.
Instead of saying their form is awesome, or they look great… be specific. Tell them “That side-kick was really strong”. “You have a lot of power when you put your weight in your back stance before going into the side-kick.” Then trasfer that to a weak area… “I bet if you practice using the same technic on your round kick you will have great power there too”. “Let’s try it together”
The Specific and Real is great in the work place too. When you talk about someone’s strengths and then let them know what you can work on together to make other areas strong too, it really makes people feel good and let’s them know you care and your paying attention.
November 20th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Hi Mike,
This article was an answer to prayer (literally). Thanks for doing this type of newsletter with such great insights for all of us. I need to take this, print it, digest it a couple of times, and then act on it.
Love your newsletter Mike!
Denice
November 20th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Mike,
I received this newsletter from somebody very special and dear to my heart. She is a truth speaker and I have not found it easy to speak my truths to her, for fear of loosing her, fear that I would push her away etc. So while I am thinking my truth instead of saying it, the result is that she pulls back, just the opposite of what I want.
So when she sent this to me today I knew on reading, that my truth is all that matters to me and that I must speak up and be heard. Love and connection cannot exist without truth speaking.
So I thank you for putting this into words today, for me to read and see it today, as all timing is perfect.
Blessings and thank you.
Colm
November 21st, 2008 at 2:51 pm
[…] of appreciation. This week his newsletter article is about telling the truth. You can read it here . He also has a corresponding audio you can listen […]
November 22nd, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Dear Mike,
I highly appreciate your article on” tell the turth”.Ofcourse in needs courage but it is always good to say the truth. I have often taken it for granted that but I realise it is very important and it will also improve my relationship with people and make me a much more lovable person.
Thank you for sharing your insight with me.
Limarose.
November 23rd, 2008 at 6:21 pm
I am inspired every time I read your blog entries. You have changed the way I look at the world after reading your book and it is always good to get the Mike-Robbins.com reminder about the Power Appreciation. I never thought about honesty……tough news honesty…..to also be part of your definition of appreciation. But you are right! I have a few situations that I need mend and I know feel 110% empowered to do so. Thanks, Mike!!