I was recently at a lecture given by a wonderful minister here in Los Angeles. I am forgetting her name, but that’s irrelevant to my point. One of this woman’s goals was to spend time alone with the Dalai Lama and ask him a question. Through a series of events, she got her time with Dalai Lama and her question (I am paraphrasing here) was: How do you manage to stay to happy and positive, productive and loving toward the Chinese Government after they have spent the last 40 years trying to wipe your culture off the face of the earth? His response was: “My ’sacred’ friends in the Chinese government are very special to me. The friends who compliment us and always say the ‘right’ things all of the time are easy to be in relationship with, it is the ‘friends’ who disagree with us and don’t care how they let us know it that are the most valuable to us and force us to grow if we are open to that growth.” (Again, I have paraphrased his answer.) I don’t know if this is a common story about the Dalai Lama, but it was the first time that I had heard it and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My wife constantly accuses me of having thin skin and taking things personally. I was recently fired by a client who had the same feedback ( as do others in my life.). Yesterday, I launched into some spiel about how I was repeating a behavior that I wanted to change as my wife was giving me some very good advice of taking care of the task in front of me. She cut me off and said: “That’s an old story.” It hit me like a sledgehammer in the chest. She did not sand any of the edges off when she decided to throw that frisbee at me. So, I promptly subjected her to the silent treatment and sulked for a bit. My point is that I hear you and I feel your pain. It’s hard to get that feedback, but, for me, usually, with a day or two to cool off, I can’t deny that what I am hearing is what I need to be told. So, today, I’m going to take things a bit less personally than I did yesterday. Mike’s article opened my eyes a bit about knowing myself. I do take things personally and I HATE that about myself. But, it’s time for that perspective to change. Taking things personally is holding me back…way back…and that’s more painful than learning how to develop thicker skin, roll with the punches a bit more and love that part of myself. I could use all of the excuses in the world. I am a Hollywood “creative” guy, it is my right to be difficult. I was born that way. I’m Catholic. My parents did this or that. But, the truth is that I often let other people’s opinion of me run my life. That’s caused me to suffer and live small. Their opinion is just that…feedback that is intended to help me…regardless of how it is delivered. It’s up to me to filter the delivery then separate out the good content from the bad. And, I suck at doing that. Most times, when the feedback comes, I withdraw and pout and passively punish the feedback giver for a period of time that I deem appropriate. (Mature behavior for a 42 year old father of 32, don’t you think:-) In any event, it probably took more courage than you know for your sister to say what she said. Delivery aside, she loves you and cares about you and the objective “content” that she gave you was probably the best she could do at saying: “I have been watching you shoot yourself in the foot in these ways for years. I love you and know you are so much more than that. I want you to know that there is a blind spot in your life that you are missing and I want so badly for you to see it so you can live the life you deserve.” Maybe I’m wrong, but I know that when I blow up, after the fact, I wish I could have said the above quote instead of what I usually do sat to the ones I love. Hope this post let’s you know that you are not alone and makes you feel a bit more understood. Best - Peter
Mike - thanks for providing this newsletter. I read it every time it comes and have been doing so for the last year or so, but this is the first time I have posted. All the best to you.

I recently had a blowout w/ my sister after saying she was having a “communication breakdown again”. I thought I was making an honest statement not disrespecting her. She interpreted it as me intentionally trying to belittle her. After all was said and done, she told me she was just going to have to accept that I am A,B,C . . . and proceeded to list all the things she thought were wrong with me. If what you quoted is right, “none of what other people say about you is “true” (it’s just their opinion), but it can be enlightening and empowering as it gives you an outside perspective of who you are and how you show up” should I take what my sister said as constructive criticism? I can’t help but be a little hurt by how I was described as a person. Is it okay to defend myself in this kind of situation? I want to know more about who I am and how I come through to others.