June 30, 2011

Hello!  As you may have noticed, I haven't sent out a newsletter in the past four weeks and for the past few months, I've been somewhat sporadic in sending out my "weekly" ezine.  There is a specific reason for this...

My mom, Lois Dempsey Robbins, was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in early March.  The disease spread very quickly and on June 13th, she passed away.

Over the past few months, I was able to be with my mom through her dying process.  It was both horrible and beautiful at the same time.

My mom's physical pain and deterioration, realizing that she was going to die and that at thirty-seven years old I would be without either of my parents, and knowing that my girls would grow up without their grandma (who absolutely adores them), were some of the most difficult parts of the experience.  However, the closeness, intimacy, family connection, deep conversations, healing, insights, love, forgiveness, and support have been some of the most beautiful and wonderful aspects of all of this - while she was sick, as she was dying, and in the past few weeks since her death.

I'm still deeply engaged in this whole experience - shock, sadness, and grief.  And, I also feel a strong sense of love and gratitude - both for my mother's life and all she gave to me, and also for this experience of being with her through her death.  I've learned so much in these past few months (especially the past few weeks) and I'm sure there is so much more learning, growing, and healing that will take place in the coming weeks, months, and years.

As I always do, I will share my experience, my challenges, and my insights with you as a way to deepen my own growth/healing and (hopefully) to support you in yours as well.  I'm not quite up for writing a new article this week and may not be for a little while...stay tuned. But, I have decided to re-send an article that I wrote in September of 2009 called "The Magic and Mystery of Death."  This article, along with the related audio podcast are below - I hope you find them useful and helpful. I have many of the same thoughts and feelings right now as I did when I wrote this piece almost two years ago.

Thank you for being on my list, in my life, and connected to me the way that you are. Whether we know each other well, met at an event where I spoke, or have just connected here online - your presence in my life and as part of this community means more to me than you probably realize - especially at times like this.  I'm truly honored and grateful to be able to connect with you.

With Gratitude & Appreciation,



P.S.  Here's a link to my mom's obituary in the San Francisco Chronicle.  And, as you may know, I wrote a story about my mom, entitled "Mom Taught Me To Play Baseball," that was published in Chicken Soup for the Single Parent's Soul back in 2005.  If you'd like to read that story, click here.

In the past few weeks, two important people in my life suddenly passed away. These deaths have been shocking, sad, and painful for me. And, in the midst of sadness I've once again been reminded of the mystery and magic that I often experience when someone close to me dies.

I find death so mysterious because it doesn't make much rational sense and often seems so random and unfair.  I also find it frustrating that we don't do a very good job in our culture of talking about, dealing with, or embracing death.  It's seen by most of us as a universally "bad" thing - awful, tragic, painful, hard, and negative in most cases.  While all of these things can be and often are true for us about death, especially when the person who dies is someone we love and care about and/or happens to be someone we consider "too young to die," there is so much more to it than just this.

As I've also experienced these past few weeks and at many other times in my life, there can be a great deal of magic, beauty, and joy that comes from death.  Due to the fact that we often avoid it, don't want to talk about it, or would rather not deal with it (unless we are forced to do so) - we miss out on the magical and positive aspects of death and in doing so we aren't able to live our lives as deeply and with as much freedom as we could if we embraced death more fully.

Why we avoid dealing with death

There are many reasons we avoid dealing with or even talking about death.  From what I've seen and experienced, here are some of the main reasons:

• It can be very painful, sad, and scary
• We often aren't taught or encouraged to really deal with it - just to simply follow the "rules" and rituals of our family, religion, or community in order to get through it
• We don't know what to say, how to react, and don't want to upset people
• It can be overwhelming for many of us to consider our own death, or the deaths of those close to us
• We aren't comfortable experiencing or expressing some of the intense emotions that show up for us around death
• Our culture is so obsessed with youth, beauty, and production (in a superficial sense), death is often seen as the ultimate "failure" - the complete absence of beauty, health, and productivity
• It challenges us to question life, reality, and our core beliefs at the deepest level

For these and many other reasons, death is one of the biggest "taboo" subjects in our culture and remains in the "darkness" of our own lives on a personal level.  Sadly, not dealing with, talking about, or facing death in a real way creates a deep level of disconnection, fear, and a lack of authenticity in our lives and relationships.

The magic of death

What if we embraced death, talked about it, or shared our thoughts, feelings, questions, concerns, and more about it with the people around us?  While for some of us this may seem uncomfortable, undesirable, or even a little weird - think how liberating it would be and is when we're willing to face death directly.

One of the highlights of my life was being in the room with my father and holding his hand when he took his last breath about 10 years ago..  It was incredibly sad, but at the same time deeply intimate, personal, and beautiful.  He was there when I came into the world and I got to be there when he left.  And, by facing death in a direct way - we can learn so much about life and ourselves, as I did when my dad died.  As one of my mentors said to me years ago, "Mike, if you live your life each day more aware of your own death, you will live very differently."  This is true for all of us.

There are so many beautiful lessons that death teaches us, even in the midst of the pain, loss, confusion, anger, fear and more.  When we're willing to embrace death and remember that everyone and everything in physical form will eventually die, we're reminded to:

• Appreciate ourselves, each other, and life - RIGHT NOW
• Let go of our attachment to other people’s opinions, our obsession with appearances, and our self consciousness about many superficial aspects of our lives
• Connect to others in a deep, intimate, and vulnerable way
• Speak up, go for what we truly want, and live in the present moment
• Be grateful for what we have and for life as it is, not "someday" when things work out perfectly (which never happens anyway)

Death can be one of the greatest teachers for us in life - but not if we spend most of our time avoiding it because it can be painful, scary, or uncomfortable.  Take a moment right now to think about some of the important people who have died in your life.  What did you learn from them both through their life and their death?  What gifts have you been given in the form of tragedy in your life?  How could embracing death more fully impact your life in a positive and important way?

As we consider these and other questions about death, it's obvious that the answers aren’t simple and easy...neither is life.  However, when we're willing to engage, embrace, and deal with death (and life) with a true sense of empathy, passion, and authenticity - we're able to not only "make it," but to actually learn, grow, and thrive - regardless of the circumstances and even in the face of death.

How do you feel about death? How willing are you to think about, talk about, and face death (your own and others) directly?  Would it make a positive difference in your life if you had more freedom and peace around death? Share your thoughts, ideas, insights, actions, and more on my blog here.

To listen to this week's audio podcast, including additional thoughts, ideas, and tips, click here.



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