August 26, 2010

In This Issue

Featured Article: The Trap of Comparison

Announcements

Daddy's Little Girls

I hope you and those around you are doing well and enjoying these hot end-of-summer days!  I'm excited to be in New York City today, delivering a program on Emotional Intelligence for Google with my friend and mentor Dr. Fred Luskin.

Last week's article, "The Importance of Unplugging" got quite a bit of interesting feedback.  Seems like this one really resonated with a lot of people. If you'd like to re-read that piece, feel free to check it out on my blog or on Intent.com.  Also, if you'd like to listen to last week's audio podcast about this topic, click here.

Ironically, after sending out the article about unplugging last week - I wasn't able to get email on my iPhone for more than five days and my Facebook account got messed up and shut down temporarily.  I guess I really needed to unplug :)

Have a great rest of your day and week.  I am honored to have you on my email list!

With Appreciation,



P.S.  In the spirit of this week's article about comparison, I thought you might like to read an article I wrote a few months ago called "Nobody's Perfect: How to Love Your Flaws," which was published on Oprah.com.



The Trap of Comparison

(For this week's audio message, click here.)

How often do you compare yourself to others?  If you're anything like me and most of the people I know and work with, probably more than you'd like to admit.  And, as you may have noticed (like I have), this comparison process never seems to feel very good or work very well, does it?

Last week a woman sent me an email and suggested that I check out the website of another author/speaker.  She said he reminded her of me and thought we should know each other.  I looked at his website and was very impressed.  So much so that my Gremlin (that negative, critical voice in my head) started telling me how much better this guy is than me.  "Look at him - he's a stud: funny, good looking, and super tech savvy.  His site is way cooler than yours, his approach is more hip, and he has this whole thing figured out much better than you do."

After looking at his website and listening to my Gremlin, I found that I was feeling jealous, inferior, and self conscious.  Can you relate to this?

Sadly, many of us spend and waste lots of time and energy comparing ourselves to others.  Often times we end up feeling inferior to people based on our own self judgment and hyper criticalness.  However, we also may find ourselves feeling superior to some of the people around us, based on certain aspects of our lives and careers we think are going well and/or the specific struggles of the people in our lives.

The trap of comparison, however, is that whether we feel "less than" someone else or "better than" another person, we're stuck in a negative loop.  This is the same coin - heads we "win" and think we're better and tails we "lose" and think we're worse.  All of this is an insatiable ego game that sets us all up to lose ultimately.  Comparison leads to jealousy, anxiety, judgment, criticism, separation, loneliness, and more.

It's normal for us to compare ourselves to others - especially given the nature of how most of us were raised and the competitive culture in which we live.  However, this comparison game can have serious consequences on our self esteem, our relationships, our work, and our overall experience of life.

The irony is that almost everyone feels this way, and we often erroneously think that if we just made more money, lost some weight, had more friends, got a better job, moved into a nicer place, had more outward "success", found the "perfect" partner (or changed our partner into that "perfect" person), or whatever - than these insecure and unhealthy feelings of inferior/superior comparison would simply go away.  Not true.

How we can transform our comparison process into an experience of growth, connection, and self acceptance and self love (and ultimately let it go) is by dealing with it directly and going to the source - us and how we relate to ourselves.

Here are some things you can do to unhook yourself from the comparison trap:

1) Have empathy and compassion for yourself.  When we notice we're comparing ourselves to other people and feeling either inferior or superior, it's essential to have a deep sense of compassion and empathy for ourselves. Comparison almost always comes from a place of insecurity and fear, not of deficiency or mal-intent. Judging ourselves as "less than" someone else or judging ourselves for going into comparison mode in the first place (which many of us do once we become aware of our tendency to do this), doesn't help. In fact, this judgment causes more harm and keeps us stuck in the negative pattern.

2) Use comparison as an opportunity to accept, appreciate, and love yourself.  When comparison shows up, there is usually a lack of acceptance, appreciation, and love for ourselves.  Instead of feeling bad about what we think is wrong with us or critical of ourselves for being judgmental, what if we took this as a cue to take care of and nurture ourselves in an authentic way.

3) Be willing to admit your own jealousy.  One of the best ways to release something is to admit it (i.e. "tell on yourself"). While this can be a little scary and vulnerable to do, when we have the courage to admit our own jealousy, we can own it in a way that is liberating to both us and other people. Acknowledging the fact that we feel jealous of another person's success, talent, accomplishment, or quality is a great way to let go of it and to remove the barrier we may feel with that person or experience. If you find yourself jealous of someone you don't know (like a celebrity or just someone you haven't met personally), you can acknowledge these feelings to someone close to you or even in a meditation with an image of that actual person.

4) Acknowledge the people you compare yourself to.  Another great way to break through the negative impact of comparing ourselves to others is to reach out to them with some genuine appreciation. After a few minutes of feeling bad about myself, I ended up reaching out to the guy whose website I looked at last week, acknowledged him for the good work he is doing, and asked if we could connect. It felt good and liberating to do that. The more excited we're willing to get for other people's success, talents, and experiences - the more likely we are to manifest positive feelings and outcomes in our own lives. There is not a finite amount of success or fulfillment - and when we acknowledge people we compare ourselves to, we remind ourselves that there is more than enough to go around and that we're capable of experiencing and manifesting wonderful things in our own life as well.

How often do you compare yourself to others? How does this impact your life, relationships, and sense of yourself? What can you do to let go of this habit and be more loving, accepting, and appreciative of yourself? Share your thoughts, action ideas, insights, and more on my blog here.

To listen to this week's audio message, including additional thoughts, ideas, and tips, click here.




Dream Boogie with SARK - Telecourse

Dream Boogie with SARK is an eight-week focused and fun dream productivity program designed and delivered to help you finally make your dreams and great ideas really happen! It takes place on the phone and online, making it easy for you to commit to your dream in a highly focused, deeply joyful, and wonderfully integrated way. Based on incredible feedback and high demand, this is the third time SARK is offering this interactive telecourse.  And now is the perfect time to re-launch, begin fresh, and manifest your great business ideas, creative intentions, or inspiring projects. It really doesn't matter how many times you've tried to make your dream real before; what matters is that this time is now, and now is finally the time to take your dreams from "thinking about them" to doing them and living them now. SARK is incredible, inspiring, and such a great teacher - you will love this program.  The course begins September 22nd.  For more information, details, and videos about this exciting program, click here.  And, SARK is doing a free teleclass session with Marney Makridakis on September 16th.  To sign up for that free call, click on this link.

Inner Mean Girl 40-Day Cleanse

Oh, if people could hear the voices that go on inside our heads they would have to call the authorities and report abuse for how often we beat ourselves up with toxic thoughts.  My friends Christine Arylo and Amy Ahlers (who are also brilliant master coaches and inspirational catalysts), say this is the voice of our "Inner Mean Girls" (or Guys) - critical, mean and completely in our way. And I agree. Starting today and over the course of six weeks, you'll be guided and inspired to overcome 6 of your Inner Mean Girl's biggest self-sabotaging habits: Comparison. Judgment. Gossip. Expectations. Obligations. Negative Media.  I'm honored to have been asked by Christine and Amy to be a part of this powerful program - they will be interviewing me next week about getting passed comparison.  While I am the token male in this program and it is designed specifically for women, guys are welcome too!  For more info and to sign up for free, click here.

Great New Book - Speaking Your Truth

Whatever you have experienced or wherever your path has taken you - you can create the life that you truly desire. That’s the message of this new book, Speaking Your Truth: Courageous Stories from Inspiring Women. Many of them are much like you, who have stood in their personal power, overcome challenges, setbacks, and heartache to find themselves stepping into their path of love, healing, and purpose.  Their stories provide inspiration and heartfelt truths, some of which have never been told before, to empower other women to step into their greatness and live a life with grace, purpose, and joy.  For more info and to purchase copies of this inspiring new book, click here.

"We try not to compare ourselves to each other
(or anyone else, including Disney characters).
Our intention is to love and appreciate who we are!"
- Samantha and Annarose Robbins

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our mommy and daddy, click here.

And, if you’d like to see some new,
special photos of us, click here.